I don’t know if this is a commonly used phrase or if my aunt invented it but today i want to talk about the chameleon effect.
She defines it as the ability to fit in so well, that you become invisible or don’t stand out, like a chameleon, right? But the fitting in and adjusting to goes so far that you forget what you actually look like, your camouflage is so good that you loose sight of yourself.
This seems to happen to me a lot.
Especially when i spend time, a longer period of time, with people my age.
It has nothing to do with the other people, it’s no ones ‘fault’ but i have noticed that it usually happens to me in social situations with my peers.
I guess its a safety mechanisms, not wanting to stand out, being seen as weird, unusual, but being accepted by the group, liked and appreciated.
I’m sure most of you will be familiar with this feeling.
I am only slowly realising the lengths to which i go to fit in and adjust to others. My needs, my likes and dislikes, even my wording and phrasing can change.
I want to give you some examples of the chameleon effect in my daily life.
I spent a really intense time with two friends (think 24/7) for 4 weeks. After four weeks, i was convinced that i didn’t like Taylor Swift anymore. Both of these friends didn’t like Taylor Swift. But you probably know by now: i love Taylor Swift, i am literally listening to her while typing (i have since come to the conclusion that i really do love her on a much deeper level).
If i am spending time with people with a different (English) accent, i will slowly adopt it.
In a group situation it will often happen that i only realise how hungry i am after someone else says that they are hungry and says we should eat.
I could go on….
This is another one of those things i am only now starting to realise and am still trying to figure out how to change this. Is it a habit? I guess you could call it that. As always, i believe that realising and accepting that this is something i do, is the first step towards change and healing. I am so scared of loosing sight of me. Not knowing if i like something because i really do or if i think i like because someone likes it. Not being able to trust my favourites, because they might not even be mine.
Over time i am coming to terms with my uniqueness, even pushing it, i like the little things that make me me (at least most of them and most of the time) but sometimes, my instincts take over, subconsciously and i guess my survival strategy is fitting in so that no one can see me in the masses.
It is such a fine line between wanting to fit in and stand out. When i rationally think about it, i would much rather be me, 100% and unapologetically, with my quirks and weirdness. But the irrational part of me, that place in everyone where my mum would say that rationality often can’t reach, wants to fit in so desperately and be liked by and please everyone (see how this circles back to people pleasing?).
This feels like another one of these letters, that i don’t really know where it is going and i also don’t have the answers, but sharing feels right.
I've been thinking about this whole chameleon, camouflage thing a lot recently. I am scared of it happening without me noticing, i am scared that i don’t realise until it’s too late. I think this is at the front of my mind because i have just come away from a social situation, where i could start feeling this sense of detachement from myself. And in two months i will be in a new such social situation, for a long time. So i guess i hoped that with writing it down and sharing it, i would find answers how not to lose myself in favour of fitting in. I don’t have answers yet. But maybe that’s okay, maybe those answers will come to me when the time is right.
As time goes by i am learning more and more about myself, also about my own truth, about authenticity and what i do and i why i do things. So i am on a path, not a liniear one, to a deeper understanding of myself, and i think not knowing the answers is a part of that journey.
With these words i will leave you today and wish you a wonderful week.
Pippa xxx
I don't relate because I haven't been in that situation but your last paragraph makes so much sense! You're definitely on the right path, good luck and have fun learning about yourself! :D Thank you for sharing!
You are aware of this chameleon effect going on and that is the first step towards either stopping it or accepting it... the option is there and only you can decide but also the fact that you know, that you are listening to Taylor Swift for example makes me think that the camouflage will only ever be that... you are still ultimately you and you recognise you still and even better, no matter the situation, you want to be you - it is normal to want to fit in, I’ve been that person many times but you know what Pippa, I’m now living and working and bringing up my children in a country where I can never be that chameleon and it feels so good to just be ME!
And now I’m not sure where I was going with that either.... and I’m not even sure it will help but I think in the end, it’s ok either way so long as you always hug you at the end! X