I want doesn't get....

I envy those who express what they want with confidence

Hello Lovely, i hope this letter finds you well.

For a while now i have been pondering about this phrase that was often said to me and my sisters as kids:

“I want doesn’t get.”

This was a way to make us behave and speak politer. To start a sentence not with “I want…” but with “I would like…”

Wanting is something i have been taught not to do, not to feel. Not only by my parents and other relatives (it’s my great aunts voice saying this sentence in my head) but also by society. I shouldn’t utter my wants because as a woman, my wants come long after anyone elses.

I have noticed that i am not good at knowing what i want - i’m even worse at articulating my wants. I am indecisive, i overthink all the time and in the end i push away my wanting, mostly due to fear if what others might think.

Some wants are easy to identify (or might these actually be needs?) “I want to go to the loo, i want to eat something, i want to go to bed….” To be honest acting upon these wants isn’t always as easy as identifying them (it depends on the situation). Now if that is down to societies conditioning or just my insecure, introverted self, i don’t know. More complex wants are often harder to identify “What do i want to do, who do i want to be friends with, what do i want from and in a relationship, what do i want my life to look like, what are my values…..

Finding out what i want from life and in life is something i am slowly finding out, it is slowly becoming clearer to me.

The things i truly value, are showing themselves after being hidden behind what others find right or wrong, true or untrue for a very long time.

The knowing of what i like, love and cherish is settling deeper into me as i let go of what others expect me to like.

All slowly, not in a linear way, but surely.

Working through The Artists Way has certainly helped me with this. But voicing these sends a big thick wall of resitance up inside of me.

Setting boundaries, possibly dissappointing others, showing a new version, a more aligned version of me, it terryfies me. I presume it is fear holding me back, once again fear of being judged, fear of disappointing expectations, setting new expectations and then failing to meet them. All fears connected to others.

I truly envy those who express their wants openly and confidently.

Something i have learned very recently (which now makes so much sense) is that envy and wanting are closely connected. What we envy in others is most often something that they have that we don’t but desperately wished we did. This could be anything from a book, a career or a friend. Envy often shows itself in judgemental, often nasty thoughts belittleling the other person.

I find myself envying other artists and judging their art and because that is something i would love to do and and make a living of myself. Most often i find myself judging, envying other women. Again this is societies work, pitching women against women, so we don’t work together but against one another upholding the patriarchy (a whole other, huge, complex topic, maybe for another day).

In her book “On Our Best Behaviour” Elise Loehnen talks about using envy to point us towards our wants, to work with it and not against it.

This makes so much sense to me. When i envy someone it is most likely something they are good at that i find myself struggeling with. This could be a writer, an artist, my friends, even family members.

I am currently reading the chapter about envy and there is so much wisdom in these words, i would like to plaster them all over the world because i think we could all learn so much if we work with our envy and use it to our advantage instead of being mean about others (women) and judging and criticising them.

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“But when the longing isn’t reacted to but studied, it can be a lighthouse for your hearts desire, shedding its rays on purpose and potential.”

- Elise Loehnen, On Our Best Behaviour

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From now on i want to practice listening closely for flashes of envy, looking in the directions they point me in and following the path they lead me down. And at the end i will hopefully find what i am looking for.

I hope that being able to identify my wants, the ones buried deep down under the envy, which can be found closer to the surface, i will learn to work towards my wanting, shape my life the way that i truly want and not let fear keep me silent.

Are you aware of your envy? Have you ever thought about using it to find out what you really want? Or is this all new to you like it is to me? I would love to discuss this further in the comments. See you there:)

Pippa xxx